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stop and stare

suddenly I see this is what I want to be

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maybe the point is pointless
Thinker
sophies_remedy


I came to the realizaton today that my mother in law's birthday is on Tuesday.  I was just flipping through the show guide on the tv, trying to find Rizzoli and Isles after getting hooked on it being home sick the past couple of days.  And there it was: Tues 9/7.  Her birthday.  Which means that 2 weeks, exactly 2 weeks, after that, is the anniversary of her death.  The first year without her here is almost over and it barely feels like a month has passed. 

Strange how this anniversary almost means more than mine and Dane's first wedding anniversary.  Maybe it's because marriage didn't really change much for us.  We had considered ourselves married for a long while before the government deemed it official, but other than my last name, there were no major changes that went with it.  It was his mother's death tha changed everything.  We left Las Vegas and moved to Hawaii.  He left Marriott for a local resturant chain and has since gone back to Marriott with a better position and better pay and the possibility of a promotion on the horizon.  I transferred to an Old Navy before quitting to join the new Marriott brand, EDITION, as a security officer, making more money than I thought I could with a pay raise kicking into effect this week since I've passed my probation with flying colors.  Finacially, we are very set.  Ridiculously set.  This move has been the best thing for us in years, set.  It shouldn't be long until we're buying newer cars and moving out.

I really want to move out.  Really, REALLY want to move out.

Dane's dad has made remarkable progress in the past year.  I won't be so selfish and naive to say that it was all us.  Lynn definately helped a lot in the beginning.  But, he's also definately done better since she moved out and it's now just the three of us.  Yeah, we've take over all of the cooking and preparation of his lunches in order to get him eating healthier, but he is responding for the most part.  If only he'd actually EAT the carrots we pack him for lunch...

Sometimes, it doesn't feel real.  There are days we both wake up and expect to find his mom downstairs.  Being here alone the past few days have made me miss her more.  The fact that I'm a real working adult occasionally scares the hell out of me and I wonder, ' when the fuck did I grow up?'  It really is a gradual process because all of a sudden, you look back and you have no idea when it happened.

It's almost the same problem I've had with my weight gain.  I've gained twenty pounds in the past year.  I've gone from almost a size 6 back to a 12.  I overeat.  I use food to hide my problems.  I use food to make me feel better.  I use food to reward myself.  Dane's seeing a dietician on the 11th.  If he likes her and thinks she can help me, I'm off to see her too.  I reasonably don't have time for a personal trainer if I can't always make it to the gym, but I eat several times a day and changing my diet was how I lost almost all 30 pounds before and after my wedding.
 

Not really sure what the point of this post was.  I typically try to have a point, emphasis on try.  I won't make promises on updating more frequently since I work about 50 hours a week and then come home to Dane and his dad and I'm trying to keep my stress down since it's leading to viral infections and a nice bald spot by my left temple.  I will give advice though: don't be massocistic and open a hotel.  Most of the time you're understaffed and overworked and some of the guys you work with are pussies and bigger girls than you are.  But at least the pay is good, right?

Maybe the point of this is that with all the craziness and depression and heartbreak and lonliness, I'm okay.  I've pulled through most of it.  I can see through all the muck and realize that I'm in a good place and I'm blessed.

Or maybe I'm full of crap and this is the headache talking.  Who knows?


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