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stop and stare

suddenly I see this is what I want to be

I'm still alive...
emily jj
So it’s been a while. Some days it feels like a lot has happened since September. Some days it feels like nothing’s changed and I’m here just drifiting. Maybe the best way to do this update is to break everything down categorically…

My stress levels have gone down for the most part and I’m proudly sporting a full head of hair again. No more stress-related baldness for me.

At the suggestion of our doctor, Dane and I have both gone to an immunologist for allergy testing. He’s allergic to pollen, dust, and cockroaches (don’t worry, he can still kill them for me). I’m allergic to pollen and… peanuts. The peanuts have been a more recent development since I ate it all the time as a kid. I’ve only been noticing lately when we would eat a straight spoonful of peanut butter that my tongue would itch like crazy. So now to avoid a possibly worse reaction, peanuts and I have broken up. I use almond butter which tastes awful by itself, but not so bad in a tortilla or with jam. Dane likes to tease me and brag about his ability to eat peanut butter still… jerk. As for the pollen, I’ve got 2 different nasal sprays I get to snort every day.

The most important development on the health front is the discovery that I have ADHD. I was evaluated for it a few weeks ago and saw a psychiatrist yesterday that has started me on Stratera because it’s a non-stimulant. Dane took the day off to go with me yesterday which would have been sweeter if I didn’t practically strong arm and guilt him into it. But it was still nice to have him there. My parents have no idea I’ve done the testing and that I’m now on medication. I didn’t want to tell them because they’ve never been supportive of psychological treatment in the past. But now, I’m honestly left a little bitter with them. It took 26 years for this to be realized. Kids start showing signs of ADHD at the age of 3. They didn’t notice how hard it was for me to focus all those years? They didn’t think anything of the fact that I had to do my homework in the family room with the TV off when they were the ones that enforced this? I understand not noticing me walking into walls and stuff because that was later, but looking back, so many signs were there. I need to stop thinking this way. It only gives me another reason to avoid my mother’s calls.

So somehow being one of the original 5 team members has landed me one of the most varied schedules. Even the guys that work the nightclub have a better set schedule. When we did the schedule bid back around September and started getting 2 days off, I got Friday and Saturday off. We got our hours cut from 40 to 32 in January and I started getting Thursday off as well. The Friday before Valentine’s Day, I get a call saying that we’re going back to 40 hours, but I would still have Friday and Saturday off. I get a second call a few minutes later saying that I had to work Saturdays, that no one would be off on Saturdays, and instead of working 6:30-2:30, I’m working 10:30-6:30 so that there could be coverage at the pool. Imagine my surprise when I found out that I was the only one with this 10:30 mid shift that spends half the time on morning shift and the second half on swing shift. And then I foolishly brought it to my supervisor and boss’s attention that with me doing this 10:30 shift, there are only 2 officers on between 6:30 and 10:30 on Sundays and Mondays. So brilliant me walked myself into 10:30 Saturday, Tuesday, Wednesday and 6:30 on Sunday and Monday. Except this week. I’m 6:30 all week while one guy’s out of town. Oh, and this whole “everyone’s working Staurdays” thing? My supervisor hasn’t been in on a Saturday in 3 weeks and he’s taking vacation tomorrow. I guess me coming in at 6:30 shows how little he trusts them to actually work?

For anyone who saw the last season’s finale of Grey’s Anatomy, we have a threat of that happening at work with a guy we just fired last week. The whole department’s a bit on edge right now. This is another reason why I haven’t really been talking to my mother the past week. I have the bad habit of telling her everything and I don’t want her to worry. Dane’s already freaked out and gave me permission last week to call out. Reagan’s making me call her or text her at the end of each shift. *s* We’ll have to see how it all goes.

Oh, and my piece of shit boss decided to be a pussy and take the next 2 weeks off.

I need a new job.


Well, my father in law still thinks I’m lazy, but I feel the same way about him so I guess it’s almost an even trade. I do enjoy the hypocrisy of the thought since when he comes home all he does is shower and then sit on his ass before going to bed at 9pm. Whatever. The man still thinks that he allowed us to take over cooking because we didn’t like anything he made. Yes, we didn’t like his half-assed attempts at making something edible, but we were the ones that more or less shoved him out of the kitchen. The food he makes is crap and is crap for you, so yeah, we took over. He used to help a bit with dishes and at least do his own, but that’s stopped too.

And he calls me lazy.

We’re still hanging in there. My ADHD has caused some problems between us since I can’t remember anything, but he’s trying to be supportive and understanding. We’re still working on moving out and the cut in my hours set us back a little bit, but we’re still okay.

I think this is long enough so we’ll leave it at this for now. I’ll try to update more frequently to avoid the super long updates.

Oh, and last week's Criminal Minds, "Lauren", was incredible.  So sad to see Emily/Paget leave, but what a fantastic episode to do it.  I just think maybe this should have been the season finale.  I don't know how you could follow such an amazing, heavy episode like that one.

be jealous *w*
garcia love
I got hit on by the girl checking receipts at Sam's Club this afternoon.

Dane's response, "we're not having a threesome who can benchpress more than me."

My response, "I don't think your the one she wants dear."

There's my ego inflation for the day.

maybe the point is pointless

I came to the realizaton today that my mother in law's birthday is on Tuesday.  I was just flipping through the show guide on the tv, trying to find Rizzoli and Isles after getting hooked on it being home sick the past couple of days.  And there it was: Tues 9/7.  Her birthday.  Which means that 2 weeks, exactly 2 weeks, after that, is the anniversary of her death.  The first year without her here is almost over and it barely feels like a month has passed. 

Strange how this anniversary almost means more than mine and Dane's first wedding anniversary.  Maybe it's because marriage didn't really change much for us.  We had considered ourselves married for a long while before the government deemed it official, but other than my last name, there were no major changes that went with it.  It was his mother's death tha changed everything.  We left Las Vegas and moved to Hawaii.  He left Marriott for a local resturant chain and has since gone back to Marriott with a better position and better pay and the possibility of a promotion on the horizon.  I transferred to an Old Navy before quitting to join the new Marriott brand, EDITION, as a security officer, making more money than I thought I could with a pay raise kicking into effect this week since I've passed my probation with flying colors.  Finacially, we are very set.  Ridiculously set.  This move has been the best thing for us in years, set.  It shouldn't be long until we're buying newer cars and moving out.

I really want to move out.  Really, REALLY want to move out.

Dane's dad has made remarkable progress in the past year.  I won't be so selfish and naive to say that it was all us.  Lynn definately helped a lot in the beginning.  But, he's also definately done better since she moved out and it's now just the three of us.  Yeah, we've take over all of the cooking and preparation of his lunches in order to get him eating healthier, but he is responding for the most part.  If only he'd actually EAT the carrots we pack him for lunch...

Sometimes, it doesn't feel real.  There are days we both wake up and expect to find his mom downstairs.  Being here alone the past few days have made me miss her more.  The fact that I'm a real working adult occasionally scares the hell out of me and I wonder, ' when the fuck did I grow up?'  It really is a gradual process because all of a sudden, you look back and you have no idea when it happened.

It's almost the same problem I've had with my weight gain.  I've gained twenty pounds in the past year.  I've gone from almost a size 6 back to a 12.  I overeat.  I use food to hide my problems.  I use food to make me feel better.  I use food to reward myself.  Dane's seeing a dietician on the 11th.  If he likes her and thinks she can help me, I'm off to see her too.  I reasonably don't have time for a personal trainer if I can't always make it to the gym, but I eat several times a day and changing my diet was how I lost almost all 30 pounds before and after my wedding.

Not really sure what the point of this post was.  I typically try to have a point, emphasis on try.  I won't make promises on updating more frequently since I work about 50 hours a week and then come home to Dane and his dad and I'm trying to keep my stress down since it's leading to viral infections and a nice bald spot by my left temple.  I will give advice though: don't be massocistic and open a hotel.  Most of the time you're understaffed and overworked and some of the guys you work with are pussies and bigger girls than you are.  But at least the pay is good, right?

Maybe the point of this is that with all the craziness and depression and heartbreak and lonliness, I'm okay.  I've pulled through most of it.  I can see through all the muck and realize that I'm in a good place and I'm blessed.

Or maybe I'm full of crap and this is the headache talking.  Who knows?

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now it's Dane's health
So Dane and I celebrated our one year anniversary on Monday.  I had to work (new job and all), but he picked me up after and took me to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate with an old favorite.  It was all nice and low key and fun.  Really, it was just nice to get out and spend the time with him since our schedules were relatively opposite last week.

But I can't believe we've been married for a year.  It's gone by so fast with everything we've experienced.  We're both in agreement that we'd like a much calmer year 2.  Year 1 had more excitement than I would ever wish on anybody.

Except that Dane was sent home sick from work yesterday because he threw up when he got there.  Then there's been the stomach issues since yesterday which culminated to blood in the stool sans stool.  Thankfully I already scheduled him to see our doctor due to stomach issues alone (seriously, I thought it was food poisoning since my stomach's messed up too).  But now he needs to go see a specialist for a colonoscopy to find out if this is just hemerrhoids or colon cancer (which freaks the hell out of us sunce we each lost our paternal grandmothers to colon cancer).  Needless to say, I'm doing the wife freak out and trying to keep myself together.  So much for less excitement.  Updates will follow.

finally feeling positive
Hives are clearing up- slowly- thanks to the meds.  Which the meds also have this slight side effect of a persistent sore throat.  But it could also be the killer allergies so I'm not calling the doctor.  I've got 2 days left of medication and just bought a bag of Halls Breezers which are working beautifully.  I think I can handle work tomorrow.

If they use me that is since the called me today and completely canned my Friday and Saturday shifts.  But honestly, I don't care.  And you may be thinking, 'but Sophie, you waited so long for them to give you hours, how could you not care that they're cutting your shifts?'

That's because....


I got a new job working hotel security at the not even open brand spanking new Marriott Waikiki EDITION Hotel.  That's right.  Full time employment and we get the Marriott benefit back.  And I start orientation on June 1st.  Hell fucking yeah.  After a year and a half of looking in four different states, I finally found a good full time job within my field of study.  God it feels good to finally say that.

Oh, and my sister in law is gone.

Life is starting to look better and better.

kidding me
My DVR cut off the last 30 sec- 1 min of the Bones season finale.


false advertisement?
kidding me
Anyone else think this new Victoria's Secret push up bra is false advertisement? 

I think if I were to find out a woman was 2 cup sizes smaller than she really was I'd be more than a little disappointed.

stress= poor immune system= pick up every damn virus out there
my boys
So I've stressed myself out to the point where my immune system's gone down the toilet.  Went to the doctor today... again.  Now we can add an ear infection to my list of issues.  My ear made this loud popping sound last night and between the pain from that and my massive headaches, I got roughly an hour of sleep because I was in so much pain.  So now I have an ear infection and my tension headaches are back.

Fuck my life.
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Is 8:49 in the morning too early for a beer?
The gym didn't happen.

Between the monster sinus headache I had when I woke up, an upset stomach, and just all the makings of another depressed day, I sat in the parking lot and couldn't convince myself to go in and sit on a bike.  I know that working out gets the adreneline and endorphines going and blah blah blah, but I don't even want that right now.  I'd rather curl up in bed, cry over Grey's Anatomy and just do some weights at home.

And then go to Costco to replace the milk that went bad 5 days early.

16 days... not that I'm counting
Emily with bear
So the talk never happened since she didn't want to go out and eat.  She only stayed down stairs long enough to talk about herself and the engagement that I didn't really pay attention to before going back upstairs to her room.  Whatever.

But now she's just poked her head into the room to beam about their dad taking a weekend in Phoenix to watch her get married.  For someone who keeps calling this her 'non-wedding wedding' she sure does make a big deal about it.  At least she's not excluding him and pouting that we're not going to travel with him.  But I guess she's planned her date and of course it's probably just before Dane and I hit our 1 year.  I'd like to think this wouldn't bother me so much if she wasn't family or living under the same roof as us.  And it probably wouldn't because then I wouldn't be forced to listen to it.

I'm planning on hitting a spin class in the morning after I take Dane to work.  Maybe that will take some of my edge off...

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
So she's back and Dad wants to go out to dinner so she can tell us all about her trip, her engagement, and her wedding plans.  REALLY not what I want to hear today.  I'm trying so hard not to be depressed about missing Kelsey's wedding today.  Spending a dinner listening to Lynn talk all about her and her "wedding" is not going to help.  I really don't want to go and pretend to be happy for her.

And we got a mini lecture from his dad today about not leaving our water bottles in the sink.  All I could think is: you wash a couple bottles a week.  It's not a daily thing.  I wash your fucking coffee pot more than you wash bottles.  Makes me want to stop doing that.  He doesn't use water bottles and we don't drink coffee.  It'd be a fair trade.  *s*  But of course I won't stop doing it.  I won't go out of my way to do it, but I won't stop.

Dad also wants to start making plans for Christmas.  Is it really so hard for the family to understand that there's no vacation time until February?  There are black out dates in December that he can't request off.  Traveling for Christmas probably won't happen.  And he makes such a big deal about me seeing my parents, yet this spending Christmas with Dane's side of the family- again- feels selfish of him.  When am I going to get Christmas with my family if it's going to turn into every year is Christmas with his family.

Can I go back to the beautiful drunken stupor I was in last night?
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Is it worth it?
I never thought I would say this, but I want to go back to Vegas.  I don't want to be here.  I'm lonely and I have no friends, no job, no distractions, nothing.  My world is my internet, tv, and imagination.  I'm tired of missing out on things with my friends.  I didn't get to be there with a gallon of ice cream for Taylor.  I missed Kelsey's bacherlorette party last night and I'm missing her wedding tomorrow.  I feel like I'm missing out on everything being here.  I don't even want to be here right now.  I feel so isolated and not because I'm sitting in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  I miss my freedom and independence.  I miss stocking a kitchen with healthy food.  I miss being able to stay out late and not having anyone care.  I miss my job at Banana even though I hated it half the time because at least I felt like I was contributing to our funds.  I miss being able to pronounce street names and knowing where things are.  I miss my large bathtub and bathroom.  I miss our old bed.

I miss my old life.

Is all of this worth the hope of creating a better life for us and our furture children?

God I hope so.
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God, really?
So Dane got a text from his friend Jason last night asking when Aaron's wedding was.  Aaron is Dane's best friend.  He was the best man at our wedding.  They've been best friends for 13 years.

Aaron never mentioned anything about a wedding.

Yeah, he's engaged and his fiancee is the sweetest thing in the world.  She was one of my bridesmaids.  They weren't planning on getting married until after she graduated from college in a couple more years.

I just keep hoping that Jason meant to be asking about Aaron's graduation in 2 weeks.  It would break Dane's heart if Aaron got married and didn't even tell him.  I don't know what to think about this.

It kills me to hear him say that it feels like I'm his only friend.  He grew up here.  He shouldn't have to feel this way.

Oh, and Taylor and Eric broke up.  Guess I don't have to worry about a wedding for next April.

This all just blows.

And Lynn comes back tomorrow.  *s*  Almost time to say goodbye to the peace in the household.  I'll miss it during the next few weeks until she moves out.

trying to be supportive
emily jj
She's engaged.  He proposed in a hot air balloon at sunrise.  It's sweet.  Kinda.  Probably would have been better if that wasn't the only detail she didn't know.  At least now we don't have to listen to her pester Dad or Dane to get answers for her nor do I have to see her scowl at me when I tell her they were going to do no such thing.  Too many things about this seem off and rushed. 

And as much as it probably shouldn't irritate me, it bothers me that she's more than likely going to get married before Dane and I even get to celebrate our one year.  Yeah, I know it's her life and it's only a superstition that it brings bad luck to both marriages if siblings marry in the same year, but still.  We had to wait a year to announce plans and dates after Margaret got married.  The rule SHOULD be universal, but as USUAL the twins get to do whatever they want without any reguard for anyone else.  Just peeves me a little, but whatever.  Lynn's always been like this.  It's got her moving out, right?

At least we don't have to fly out there since they're supposedly getting hitched with only a pastor.  His parents and kids are out there so they'll probably be there so she'll be excluding the family just like she did in her first marriage.  Really, I probably would care as much if she was correcting the problems from marriage #1, but she's following down the same path.  It's hard to be supportive when you see someone still acting like a self centered moron.  She's wanting to have some dinner thing with only immediate family in like December to celebrate, but we probably won't be there.  We've told her that Dane doesn't get vacation until February (heck I'm missing Kelsey's wedding in 2weeks and she's been my friend for 5 years and was one of my bridesmaids), but she's pretty set one December thinking that we'll be there.  I'm not saying we won't try, but it's kind of unlikely and I'm not going without Dane just to keep Dad company.  I don't really care what his sisters say about that either because my main responsibility and loyalty is to my husband, not them.


I feel a bit better now.

See?  Therapy.  (It's also the name of a bar out here, how perfect is that?)

And of course after 2 months of delightfully light and cramp-free periods, I'm doubled over in pain that Midol can't fix.  Fuck.

the highlights
How have I seriously gone this long without an update?  I wonder if Sofia's been sparing me the ass kicking since I added her on facebook and she sees all that random stuff...

But really, someone, don't let me go this long again.  This is good therapy that I shouldn't be neglecting.

So you guys already know that we're in Hawaii and we've been here almost 3 months, but here's something you didn't know: our rental car got broken into on our way to my parents house just before we fully moved.  We decided to stay in a hotel so we wouldn't wake my parents up when we came in late that night and didn't take everything out with us.  Because really, Westlake Village is one of the safest cities in the country.  I grew up ten minutes away.  My dad's office is diagonally across the intersection from the hotel.  So we came out in the morning to find the back window smashed in and luggage missing.  They took off with 2 suitcases of clothing, 2 carryons with ALL our jewelry except what we were wearing, and Dane's golf clubs.  Apparently there've been problems with the gangs from the Valley coming up and breaking into cars in hotel and mall parking lots.  That would have been nice to know BEFORE they stole our shit.  We've finally got money from our renter's insurance which we're using to pay off pretty much all our debt which is great, but not really the way we wanted to do it.  And they took all but one of my Aeropostale hoodies which pisses me off because I know they just got thrown out.  But all the jewelry Dane's given me, the stuff I wore for the wedding, his watches, my watches, stuff from his mom and dad and my junior bridesmaid... gone.  It's heartbreaking.

Everything with our accident is just about done and we should hopefully be seeing money soon so we can pay off the credit cards we loaded copays onto.  The lifelesson here: don't get hit by a drunk driver.  Not that you can really avoid that, but if you can, I reccomend it.

Dane's sister Lynnm the one still at home is in Arizona for the week.  She's supposed to be getting engaged at some point.  She moves out there May 22 (not counting down or anything) and will be getting married like a week later.  Honestly, not thrilled she is, but don't care at the same time.  I'm more or less looking forward to her moving out.  She causes too much drama and too many problems.

Battery's dying.  I'll post more later.  Really.

(no subject)
Hey guys.

I know it's been a while, but I figure this is probably a good time for an update. Dane and I have made it to Hawaii and are now sitting in our first tsunami. We're okay. We live in the middle of Oahu and pretty high ground. If water gets to us, it's end of the world and the island is going down. I've already called my parents and updated my facebook.

And of course, there's a jackass on the news standing out in the ocean.

Updates will follow. Be safe. Take care of yourselves.


Oh my god I got so drunk tonight. And poor Regan had to take care of me while she was here on vacation. She's such a great friend.

But as usual, pancakes make the BEST sober food. They never fail me.

I'm off to Cali to visit my parents/ clean out my old room tomorrow (today?). Not thrilled about the trip but it needs to be done. I just wish Dane was coming. We haven't been apart since he went to Hawaii for his grandmother's funeral in summer '08. I don't do well without him and now I have to add my parents to the mix. Maybe I can convince my mom to take me shopping.

Banana is revamping their entire demin line and I don't like it. Everything's slimmer cut now so I've had to go up in sizing. Now there's something depressing to drink to when you already play a numbers game and you started your period (I tried on EVERY style we got).

Ok, I need to be up in a few hours to make my flight. Later.

Simon Baker
I think I might have a small crush on Simon Baker. Like the illicit affair, hot artist type crush. Really, the man is beautiful. I mean, look at him:

I just want to drink tea, walk on the beach, and... yeah. He's pretty hot.

Not to take away from Gary. He's still my number one celeb crush. I don't think he can be replaced.

In other news, I still have my cold. I have a doctor's appointment for the enjoyable yearly exam tomorrow morning. Not worried about it (because why should I), but not looking forward to it (again, why should I). Oh well. More birth control. BC is good. BC keeps the children away. I'm NOT ready for those things yet.

Although it's creepy to lurk through facebook and see how many people I grew up with having kids. It's just weird...

My hair's growing back slowly. I decided I didn't like it that short. I'm too limited as what I can do with it. And I miss my layers. So it's going back to the shoulders and that's where it's going to stay. Short hair isn't good in high humidity anyway.

So this is a totally random post about nothing in particular. My mother's gone insane, but that's another post.

But can I get Gary or Simon for Christmas? It'd make me happy...

(no subject)
Wow, it's been two weeks since my last post? Really? So much for doing better with updating...

But maybe it would help if something interesting were to happen rather than huge annoyances and stupid fights with Dane.

Ooo! I cut another 2 1/2 inches off my hair the other day. It's actually off my shoulders and I'm not 100% thrilled with this venture. Maybe I need some more time to let it grow on me. It looks great when I straighten it. It actually looks like Anna Belknap post baby. So I kinda like it then. Today I just scrunched it and... I don't know. It poofed weird and didn't stay right. Though, that was probably my fault for not letting it do it's thing. I now compulsively run my hands through my hair like I'm still figuring out where it went. But yeah, I went for the shock value and I certainly achieved it.

Um, I'm not sure this size 6 by Christmas is going to work. I'm having HUGE implue control problems when it comes to food. If I want it, I eat it if it's in front of me. Seriously, this is not good. This was what got me fat in the first place. I need to do better with this. And it's not just about the size because going down a size is losing about 15-20 lbs. I just can't think with a scale. It messes my head up too much (more than thinking about sizes any way). So hopefully this is going to get better. If anything, I'd like some better impulse control and my resolution for 2010 is to be a size 4. That puts me well within a healthy weight range. That might be a good plan there...

Moving is a huge pain in the ass. I forgot how many boxes of books I have. I'll probably need to go through them and weed some out as I work on packing tomorrow. I really don't want to get rid of them though. But Dane and I did have a really great talk about the move the other day. It's good to know he's just as scared as I am even if it's a different fear. Mine is the "I've never lived here and I just moved 3000 miles away from my best friends and parents". His is the "Is this the best choice for us to be making right now?". One day at a time. That's how I need to get through it. And after we move, I'll be on the phone with Taylor every day.

What else???

I'm now addicted to Grey's Anatomy. Dane's sister did it to me. I never thought it was a bad show, it was just on the same time as CSI and I didn't have a DVR to record both when it first aired.

Oh, and I'm sick. How fucking brilliant is that? I feel like my throat is raw, but there's also a big ball of mucus there as well. My head hurts and I can't stop sniffling. This blows.

On that note, I'm out of here. Later guys.

virus warning
So I got me a virus I'm having a bitch of a time getting rid of. And where did I get this virus you ask? FanFiction.net. God dammit don't take that site away from me. I'm on there all the time and this breaks my poor little heart.

But this is a warning post. Anything called 'Security Tool' is a virus. Everything it says about your computer being hacked is a lie. Don't touch the fucker. There's ways to get rid of it (google search it and you'll find free software), but it's not easy because it likes to block any and all attempts. So no touching 'Security Tool'.

I'm a PC and I have a fucking virus.

Edit: Dane got rid of the virus. He's my hero.